Baaaaaaad Day

I finally got a real taste of life with three at home this week. Mark had all day meetings and the weather has been soooo cold (not to mention the air quality is horrible) so we've been inside most of the time. I did well until Friday came. I think it must be a combination of exhaustion, hormones (yes I admit it, I'm hormonal!) and extremely energetic kids that just drove me over the edge!! Anyway, it was one of those days when the baby screamed all morning long and the other two just chased each other around the house bickering and yelling while I went from nice mom to monster mom at the drop of a hat. This dynamic seems to be a cycle. We start out peaceful and pleasant and then the baby starts to cry, my nerves ramp up and then Jack and Noah somehow sense my looniness and start to go crazy themselves. I wish I could keep my sense of humor or at least remember how momentary this time is, but no, my patience gets sucked into the vortex of chaos. This ugly cycle leaves me feeling so guilty at the end of the day. I wonder if my kids believe that I love them and I wonder if they'll grow up as scarred individuals or have a crazy view of women becuase of my dr. jeckle and mr. hyde behavior (all lies by the way, but very believable ones on a day like that). I'm so thankful to know the Lord, especially during times like these! He shows up immediately when I ask Him to, just by soothing my frayed nerves somehow. He is so gracious to answer when I ask! If only I would remember to wake up asking every day, things would go a lot more smoothly.
Then today at church the sermon really hit me. He was talking about being a person who is known for loving others the way Christ loved us. And how Christ loved us enough to take on human form and hang on the cross. I was struck by the fact that Christ endured soooooo much on our behalf and His only response was LOVE! How humbling to think that I can't make it through a day with my three kids without feeling the tug of selfishness and even letting it get the best of me! Good greif. All I'm 'putting up with' is another diaper change, a needy scream or two, another snack request and a few toy disputes. Yet, at the same time, Christ extends His amazing grace and even puts up with me claiming it as mine (how dillusional can a person get? to think that I'm actually a kind and loving person apart from Christ...). All the while He has paid the ultimate price so that I can go through an ugly day and at the end confess to Him and ask for forgiveness for my selfishness and bad responses. I guess this really hit me between the eyes this morning. I know I'll never have enough patience and love to fulfill my kids' needs each day. I just pray that I'll remember that and continue to ask BEFORE I feel the need!!